Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Are You Sure You Can Speak In Any Tense You Want To? (depression and loss)

It seems like a whole lifetime ago. And more so it seems cliché to say that.

I hated Andy Richardson. For a small amount of time I hated him.

This hate was misdirected though. You see, his wife Marisa and I were once married for a short year and were in a relationship for almost 8 years. Toward the later half of our relationship I had become more and more depressed and in a haze. That sort of depression and haze were you aren't even aware you are in it. I lived my day to day life, made music, hung out with friends, worked from time to time but slowly and surely I was sinking deeper and deeper. I found myself sleeping on the couch or sometimes even at my practice space after a long night of making music. Not wanting to go home. Not wanting to face reality as it had come to be. My depression, in hindsight, had caused me to do destructive things. I started to look for a way out of my life as it was. My eyes and later myself became drawn to other woman. I quit my job almost at the same instant they decided to fire me. I was rejecting friends, my wife, my family. Looking back I can't even remember all the terrible ways I must have acted but, I was in a haze. One that was hard to see 3 feet in front of your nose. The story of my depression goes much deeper than that but doesn't it always?

After dealing with me like this for most of our one year long marriage Marisa had decided she'd had enough. She was "done".  One day she sat me down and said something to the effect that she did not know what was going on with me but she couldn't handle it anymore and did not want to be with me. This, like a brick to the face, hit me so violently and blindly that it shook me out of my haze. All at once I started to see all the things I had done, the way I was acting, the bullshit I'd let not just my life but both our lives become. I was in shock. I tried not to give up. I thought maybe I could save this. I was desperate to for a time. We both went to counseling separately under the assumption that we would go together soon. This never happened. She was done and I had to except that, which I eventually did. It was hard. Very hard but I had no choice but to move on. Moving on was not easy. Most of our friends were extremely angry with me. Where once most of them had said they would not take sides in the matter most did. I still haven't spoken to a lot of those people for more than 10 years now. Some stuck with me and some new people had come out of the woodwork to support me. I'm forever grateful to those people. There is always someone in need and some people are able to take themselves out of a situation and look from a distance and see what really needs to be done.

She had said when we were signing our divorce papers that she was done with relationships and marriage as an idea and wanted to change everything in her life. I rolled my eyes. She soon closed her business down which she had worked tirelessly on. She moved out, of course, and while I could still hear her words echoing in my ears about never being in a relationship again she started dating Andy Richardson. This pissed me off. It wasn't that she was dating or dating him. Andy and I had never been friends. I'd known him from the punk rock scene in our Twin Cities. He played in some bands I quite liked and was friends with many people I knew. He was always sort of quiet. Sometimes kind of an asshole but I always knew him to not be malicious. Quiet people are often seen as asshole by people who don't know them. I knew him to be loyal and strong willed as well as a great taste in art and music. I surprised my at the time when I, one morning after a rather idiotic night, received a phone called from Andy telling my I acted like a real asshole the night before and he was being a bit threatening. I had apparently written my name in the dirt on the back window of Marisa's car. This was an asshole thing to do to be sured. I didn't then but now completely understand his anger and his protectiveness but at the time was outraged this little punk who, in my eyes, my ex wife had gone off to, was calling me and threatening me. I quickly calmed down about the incident but harbored malice toward Andy about it. I never spoke to him in person or on the phone again after that. Now I respect the hell out of him for calling me on my bullshit.

A year or so went by. I slowly got better with my depression. Sometimes slowly got down again and once again better. This is how depression works for me: the world slowest roller coaster. A gradual climb and then descend to rather tall bits and rather shallow bits. It's something I've gotten quite good at recognizing over the years as well as handling.
So, a year or so goes by and I hear that Andy and Marisa are getting married. I stopped. Thought. Laughed. I wasn't angry anymore. Not even close. I only found humor in looking back to her statement about marriage. I didn't find it ironic or idiotic. I found it, for lack of a better term, pleasing. I was happy she hadn't given up hope on something at one point she had really wanted. I was cleared. My mind was. I had already started to move on, rather quickly looking back, but I know now that it was all very much behind me even then. I don't remember completely but around New Years of that year I called her and just said I was happy for her. I truly meant it. She had taught me something so valuable, so life changing, to recognize my feelings and beware of what my depression could do to me, others and sometimes people I don't even know. I was happy for Andy because he was lucky enough to have the love of a good person that wanted him. I was over it. All of a sudden I had realized I had no hostility toward Andy and that I was just placing blame for my own actions somewhere else. What a relief.

My life has gone slowly up and down dealing with depression, just like the worlds slowest roller coaster. Over all I'm very well and have been for some time. Of course their are peaks and valleys but the over all threshold of happiness is much higher. I see things clearer and that partly thanks to Marisa.

From time to time I would see those two. Once they both came to a show of a band I was in with a mutual friend of Andy and me. He wouldn't say anything. I would nod and maybe he would nod back. I understood. I'm sure it was awkward for him. I didn't find it strange but understood if it was for him. Maybe he was still upset with me? I don't know. Marisa at one show stood up front and rocked out the way she used to at other bands I've been in at shows. It was nice. One particular outdoor show we played a few years ago in their neighborhood of Northeast Minneapolis I looked over to the sidewalk and there was Marisa and Andy and her belly. She had to be at least 7 months pregnant. I ruined my whole angry old punk singer persona and all I could do was smile the rest of the set. That made my week. They were out of my life and not even in my peripheral most of the time but it was nice to know things were seeming well. I knew she was cutting hair in Northeast and Andy was working for a great company that creates some of the coolest guitar effect pedals in the world. They don't pass through my mind much but when they do I smile.

The day after Labor Day morning I woke up early, as I do, and looked at all my internet things, as I do. I notice that a effect pedal company from another state I follow has reposted a paragraph that Marisa had written about Andy being missing all day. Soon after Andy's boss posted. Then our mutual good friend. Then more people posted about the missing Andy. That he'd been missing since Labor Day morning and to please get in contact if you see him. My heart raced a little bit and I reposted the data and information figuring maybe he was somewhere and spreading the news I could help in a little way to find him. Slowly all Tuesday after Labor Day (24 hours after he'd been missing) I start getting text messages from friends asking if I had heard that Andy was missing. Of course. We may not be in each others lives but I want to know when people I care for are worried or hurting, and I do care for Andy and Marisa. At some point someone posts they have found his car near the river. People are all headed to the area to search and soon after that Marisa posts to call off the search and the family and police will handle it. My heart dropped. I needed to know what was happening. Was he found? Was he okay? Moments later Andy boss says he's been found but his condition is unknown. I almost breathed a bit of relief. No idea what was going on but at least hey found him and in any condition that's better then not finding him at all. It seemed like good news.

I spent the rest of the day trying to get work done. Although distracted I was able to get a little done. Progress is nice. In the early evening my lovely lady and I went for a nice walk around our beautiful neighborhood. I checked my phone once in a while to see if there were any updates. Between glaring at my phone and glaring at my lovely lady noticing how beautiful she looked in the evening sun and taking photos on my phone of funny little bits of graffiti that pop up from time to time in this neighborhood I thought of Andy and Marisa and started to get rather frightened. Toward the end of our walk it was confirmed from a friend via text message that Andy was dead and had somehow killed himself.

I somehow knew something awful was going on. I didn't want to admit it to myself. All day I thought terrible things. He was carjacked and killed. He was in a horrible accident but not suicide. How could that be? On the surface to an outsider like me Andy's life seemed amazing. He had amazing things in his life. A really great job working in something I know he loves: music. An amazing wife and small boy. Why the fuck would he give that up? No one except the people closest to him would know the answers to those questions. I can speak of my experience with depression and how I know sometimes light just can't pass through your eyelids. No matter how hard you try to open them you can not. I was lucky, if that's the phrase I really mean, that I've always been able to let the light in somehow. I want to be here. After that horrible time in my life I would never let my chemical imbalances take full control of my actions. I do allow myself to be depressed sometimes. Just a few short years ago I was pretty far down in one of the valleys after a bad break up and what I saw to be a betrayal. I let myself be down, to think, to reconcile with my emotions and was able to pull out again. I thank Marisa for giving me the kick start to be able to do that. I thank Andy for having a life with her, someone I care about deeply and want the best always for, though now for reason I may never know it has been stopped. Depression, they say effects however many millions of people. I think depression effects every human on the planet in some form or another. Depression is an individual thing. I can speculate about their situation but It's only that. And honestly it's none of my damn business. I can only hope at it's best that this is another opportunity for growth for everyone that knew them. For anyone who knows of their story. I know it is for me.










Saturday, July 19, 2014

The Fleetwoods - Mr. Blue



Our guardian star lost all his glow
The day that I lost you
He lost all his glitter the day you said, no
And his silver turned to blue
Like him, I am doubtful that your love is true
But if you decide to call on me
Ask for Mr. Blue

I'm Mr. Blue

When you say you love me
Then prove it by goin' out on the sly
Provin' your love isn't true
Call me Mr. Blue

I'm Mr. Blue

When you say you're sorry
Then turn around, head for the lights of town
Hurtin' me through and through
Call me Mr. Blue

I stay at home at night
Right by the phone at night
But you won't call
And I won't hurt my pride


I won't tell you
Why you paint the town
A bright red to turn it upside down
I'm paintin' it too
But I'm paintin' it blue
Call me Mr. Blue

Before I Go

it feels the same
eyes welled and headache

it's something but sorrow, no
feeling home never home
it feels the same
left me before leaving you
men in fitted black suits
torture fingers dangle last
of the skin and beaten path

it's no fate to me alone
toes broken in my own home
never woken and sleep, no
before I go before I go 




inspired by this piece of music


Thursday, June 12, 2014

Chosen

she chose me
it's like music
most beautiful music 
shadowed in something
that should show no shadow
she chose me 
brighter than most
dancing with her fingers
I'm just trying not to trip
without condition 
not contrite 
she chose me
and I could melt

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Macy Shot A Cop

flow my tears
Macy shot a cop
lucky shot, Macy
it's a lucky shot
flow my tears
Macy got a lot
a face full of mace
lucky break, Macy, 

lucky break

she can't stop
Macy shot a cop

flow my tears
Macy shot a cop
big girl on the block
whiter flag and bigger cock
flow my tears
Macy moves a drop
bullets moving all too slow
hazel eyes and nowhere to go

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Home

wander around towards left, it's home, slightly skewed
in some pants left on a rock, boiled dry, if you can do that
past midnight but it's not dead like once said, it's a new day
a day for some hours and a second half is new pants and a shave

"throw off your chain-link fences, it's a masquerade"!
"it's a suburban tense-fit, a place for blonde ladies to scream"

no one pays this advice many dimes, only half an ear if lucky
because a home is a hole or a place to split and cold if lucky
and where your heart is buried there and a hair in your rear
it's warm, I like it, I'm comfortable there and I'm not being snotty

Friday, February 14, 2014

The La's - There She Goes



there she goes
there she goes again
racing thru' my brain

and i just can't contain

this feelin' that remains

there she blows

there she blows again
pulsing thru' my vein

and i just can't contain

this feelin' that remains

there she goes, there she goes again

she calls my name, pulls my train
no-one else could heal my pain

and i just can't contain

this feelin' that remains

there she goes

there she goes again
chasing down my lane

and i just can't contain

this feelin' that remains

Saturday, February 8, 2014

A Half Hour Of Sweating

to make rivers walk 
isn't asking for blood
border line in waves: brave
but toes cold and ass warm
we've fought smaller wars
we've slept on harder floors
we've stole everything
a service station has 
but it's time now see?
it's the woman home
it's something love
now offers it didn't before 
and the war is just a trip
toll ways, no ways
an old coffee or shut eye
some music isn't heard
for men baked in snow
or sand or walls pained black
it's easier to go back
home is where you'd care
when you are standing there
blank eyed, forgetting 
why I do everything lonely
for a half hour of sweating

Thursday, January 30, 2014

No One Is Safe Anymore

you've seen it in green and gray paper folded in half
rolled over paper man in boats go away sometimes
it's really a shame to say and walking away, so it is
you've seen dollars, as a fly on the wall bullied and beaten
but who eats them and why do we allow that anyway?
we could tear from the stomachs, make them ache, take
but is it taking when you deserve something just for being born?


"cry out people"

burn a torch or a flag or some book you've never read"

"cry out mourners" 

"to the place you were born or the place you lay your head"

what is read to you or through speakers is mostly bullshit anyway
the deep eyes, lying and trying to be mournful but memory remains
you can say paper man burns easy but flesh smells worse
say you are one, what do you do to fight instead of fists?
brilliant answers come to one to all and everyone knows this
tuck away in a moist and dirty pocket you call a bank
the mostly illusion; it's security by brick and mortar and bond
no one is done, on one is on, no one is safe anymore

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Missing

missing, I used this with some meaning meant to be proper
it's worn a form used to delegate and dismantle in long form
walking up to a feeling and telling it's your disgrace you giggle
it's a wild evening in May, enhanced by so many faces
you couldn't possible keep track but strike matches on arms
as not a single reminder but as fire can only do to you
it's a remainder of a reminder that something hot can bring
missing, it's my head right up a hole and hanging on
air slowly passing my lips to become something to slap away
but it's only about one or two feet out that I know
it's was something I never really meant to say

in the late days of May after so much has passed on
even in the springtime smells and births that happen
it's a painting or evidence or display of emotion
once to be walked back but now to be cradled and cared
you don't need to be scared, you don't need to be feared
honestly you just may need a swift kick in the rear
it's was once sought after and cherished like devotion
but now it's just a simple matter of trying to survive
mocked in motion, dropping from my mouth quickly
instead of carried as if on wings by spring air
no one cares, but you do, I know you so

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Two Armed Man III

"it's not like you crack your head on purpose
but when you happen to it's a ballet, like swan lake:
so overtly dramatic, charming to the types that are charmed
ugly and grotesque, to those that indulge in that ugliness
what is left open and bleeding after days of healing
will never heal, mend, combine, the way it ought to
you see your thoughts floating away, and if you could think
you would think 'were are they going'?
and would think 'what was I thinking'?
you would think 'did any of those thoughts matter'?
but slipping through cracks in your head
you would never know what they said"

he slumped down in a chair
put there to hold up his back

"you've got but two arms, if you are lucky
you've got one, with hand, to hold it together
you've got one, with hand, to wave in distress
and if you are luckier you've got a voice left
perhaps a notion, a few eyes and consciousness
that the last few seconds you spend on breath
you've got phony philosophy read in books
published by cronies looking for a buck
you've got 6 six-guns on your chest
you've got some sinking notion of social unrest
whatever it is you have got, you've got a lie
perpetrated by yourself and those who believe you"

he leaned back and smelled another rose
just to give the appearance of a man of leisure

Friday, January 10, 2014

Two Armed Man II

"it's not like the ugly, eternal, but always"
"it's not like beauty, realism, is pretty"
he was choking out these things,
laughing out a really, honesty terrible tear
take out the elbow of each arm
place them on the table
you can hold your head in there
you can be ugly, unpretty, not afraid

"it's not deserving, it's stress, but always"
"it's not just fear of your fathers blood"
he was spitting out this time
the droll and deoxyribonucleic acid
they were overwhelming too
to a two armed man, both arms
on a dinner table knowing something
about an inner and outer ugly

"it's not like you leave, alone, empty"
"it's not like violence, fear, anger"
he was, as a river, face almost melting
fresh water tears, almost fake
pulling patches from old sweaters
acting as if ballerina, lucky dancing
is dancing, as heaving, just for you
no one dances for you

Two Armed Man

once in the arms of a two armed man
sitting back, drunk all the beer
"call me a black ambulance" he said
"the kind that can camouflage itself"

"it's just fine for us to embrace" he said
he calls back to whomever or where ever
or whenever in his past that made it okay
"it's just that kind of day, I guess"

he's buying military surplus, stockpiles
"never has a cloud been darker" he said
"it's not like war is inevitable, just too common"
drunken wisdom seems wiser when you're drunk

back in his arms, now one is missing
a one armed, fear mongering half man
"I lost it in the war of the mind, in time"
he said as if we were to believe him

it's an angry snake, this arm
it's a bar, like one in Milwaukee
slow and orange bricked, sad
no one is worrying about anything

you could pass, over or out
sort it out you miserable sack
"it's not that we sorely mistake or lack"
he said "we just want to relax"

when his war is over and won or lost
it doesn't matter honestly, either way
warn it's war sleeves seems in me
it's probably time to go home forever 

"call me a car" he said
"it's summer, there's nothing to do"
"I'm dressing like a goddamn banker now
and so should you"

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Communicate

life is more complicated 
than just words
I hope we all would
wish, us all would
communicate more
more complicated
these words can't
but try and strive
and no word is
rule or reason
it's just a word
or a string of words
that just can't honestly 
communicate it all
never the less 
they are 
a very good start

Friday, December 27, 2013

Where Skin Peels Back

where the vanishing spaces
disclose where they live
it's a box, as flesh
or at least in color
it's fresh and
maybe only sometimes
in it's shape
it's a whole trick to be pulled
it's maybe an illusion
but it's pulled right out
and presented to you
all wrapped up and glorious

thank you
thank you for the time
thank you for your life
you can thank her for the watch
thrown into the crowd every night

where can you buy time?
I'd like to purchase some more
you work hard for nothing
not for purpose to be explored
life, when asking for meaning
spits in your face
it's cute like that
and conjuring
and not as deep
as one would expect
asking to please not to
step on it's neck

in these eyes: you
on your mouth: you
in some portrait:  you
and it's easy
too easy to forget

where skin peels back
and reveals a beating heart
it passes around
from one to the other
and I've found where it rests
for as long in any head
I've found a place to rest
my tattooed hearts
I've found a place to be dead
it's a passing sun over lesson
it's moon struck in your presence
clutching chest with eyes wide and wild

it's a forest of leaves
presented as steps
the journey is long
but could be longer
if only it was longer

where is that place in mind
that holds me?
it's rated, not by numbers
but in scars or nightmares
"clearly, woman of the year"
and I want to be held
but a woman with no fear
but a woman scared, shaking
forever a fiancé
but what is a woman anyway?
put you heads together
and let me know

Friday, December 13, 2013

Untitled

a ridiculous man hence forth
I proclaim everyday to be
what's country, then what fits
a man is mountain molded
into a mountain's top
just for illusions sake
stare into her eyes
when you finally wake
and it's okay there
it is calm and collected
and a shoe or shower 
invested away
one moment away
a meal or a mountain
equal in it's intensity 
a baby or an apartment
weighing the same
no one single hill
is ever to hard too climb

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Etta James - At Last

''Etta James'' - 'At Last' from Mikel Àngel Rotger (mlkconcept) on Vimeo.

At last, my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song

At last, the skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped up in clover
The night I looked at you

I found a dream, that I could speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill that I have never known

You smiled, you smiled
Oh and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
for you are mine...

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

To Be Stable Once In A While

these are only trapped inside
it's a little white, a little sharp
once it explodes it's everywhere
and it's a struggle to keep it in
wrapped in warm arms
or wrapping my arms
either way it's not normal
it is way beyond normal

it is way too good to be normal
it is why it's no matter, collapses
to tear out that thought
is harder and more like a wall
than I could remember
it's why I'm in love in a way
it's two sides, opposed
and I love both of them
but one side a little more
the one that inside is wise
and on outside is beauty
the one side that's not me
self timer with passing time
that could go forward
for the sake of myself

wants to flash forward
to see what will be
not to break in some sabotage
but remember why those eyes
stare right back at me
to be stable once in a while
it is all I could want:
to be stable once in a while

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Eels - Manchild


And every time you crave for me I'm here
And anything you hunger for I'll share
And I will be quietly standing by
While slowly I am dying inside

Hold me in your arms
And let me be the one who can feel
Like I am a child in love

Every time I talk to you you're down
And every time you need a laugh I'm around
And when you forget I'm here I'm not
It isn't really me that you forgot

Hold me in your arms
And let me be the one who can feel
Like I am a child in love

Whisper now
And tell me how you'll watch me
And tell me somehow I'm gonna be alright

Friday, December 6, 2013

Slowly Melting

the eyes are ingrained 
it's all I can think about 
sometimes 
shape and space
the blue, it's true
really melts my heart
as I'm floating
the hands are softer
than mine
it's all I can think about 
sometimes
when they 
extended to me
and are touching me
it's time away
it's not living with me
it's not anything
in particular she says
to me
sometimes it's just 
the way she says it
that makes me 
turn off my eyes
and turn in my mind
and melt slowly

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Holiday Song

devil dealed
it's in a back room
where you groom
and everything looks the same
if you look for it there
you'll find something
so hideous
so repulsive
you won't be able
to turn your eyes away
it's a holiday, or was one
it's free drinks
on the club owners dime
it's playing every song
in fucking four/four time
but at least you were playing

his name is the same
as every other one
it's simple and easy
to remember
your parents can
easily understand
well mine? it's a bit odd
and I'm crossed eyed
unlike the other guys
when using your hands
to probe in the dark
for what you demand
for a chord or two
looking out, it's easy
into all those blank eyes
staring back at you

once I sent a message
so mistook
so unintended
so stupid
it rattled the lose skin
off every boyfriend
soon to be husband
I don't regret it
though I do regret
the meaning
but not the consequence
and look back and laugh
at how stupid you were
to take it seriously
it must be so difficult
to be you

devil deal sympathy
it's not easy
and I hope the lives lived
are long and hopeful
not what songs describe
but it's in the details
the wrinkled eyes
from stress and family
and some expectation
of what's put on you
and a holiday spent
crying in your room
or on an abandoned stage
left empty to appease
the blank eyes
starting back at you

Monday, November 25, 2013

Looking Eyes

whist by
whisked off
hands over
hand
crossed together
looking eye
one blurred
over two blurry
one body
over the other
one many
two marry
rounder
as whole
as two
can hope to be
shape spaced
next to me
mind-scaped
thank you please
and it's words
where's meaning?
descriptions
don't apply
looking eyes
are all
the meaning
looks in eye
deeper
than the blue
more than
what's said
more than
in bed
more than
hope ever
truly allowed
or ever thought
could be

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Clarity

clarity 
love and 
everything with it
clear as day
for you 
have it
I have you
and you have me

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Self-Induced

when it's tossed aside
meant to pay no mind
and it's a naked lie
meant to hide
another naked thigh
it's white and innocent
and doesn't hurt at all
I see inside
I steal information
it's not meant at all
but it's on purpose 
the meaning is nigh
it's not a word you use
if you meant it to
I understand it all
someone told me you...

it's anxiety and I
it's a turning in my stomach
it's self-induced
I hope for sometimes
wishing it alone
wishing it gone
when alone
is all I want
I don't need it
it's crying to kill
it's ignoring something
less important
it's praising something
I should never praise
it's saving something
I never wanted to save

and it's ugly
it's not you it's me
it's something to see
a view from the floor
that everyone sees
from time to time
it's ones own anxiety
that leads onward
and inward
destructively
being at loss for words
and a shortness of breath
it's being old or death
a young man tease
that brings you back to me
or something like that hopefully

Friday, November 15, 2013

An Obelisk Of Everything You Think

those in monument
in close
in a moment
a small tribute
a monument
to yourself
there's not one
single inch
not completely
fascinating
not one thing to say
that really has to be said

fingers across
my head
my head
and everything in it
for you
those in wait
waiting too long
those inward
in monument
like an obelisk
of everything
you think

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Ceremony - Kiss Off (Violent Femmes cover)


I need someone a person to talk to
Someone who'd care to love
Could it be you could it be you
Situation gets rough then I start to panic
It's not enough it's just a habit
Hey kid your sick well darling this is it

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad they do it all the time


I hope you know this will go down
On your permanent record
Oh yeah well don't get so distressed
Did I happen to mention that I'm impressed

I take 1 cause you left me and
2 for my family and
3 for my heartache and
4 for my headaches and
5 for my lonely and
6 for my sorrow and
7 for no tomorrow and
8 I forget what 8 was for and
9 for a lost god and
10 for everything, everything, everything, everything

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad they do it all the time
Yeah yeah,yeah they do it all the time

Monday, November 4, 2013

Writing In Smiles

trying to find in some form
a word or two to describe
but writing in smiles is hard
and thanking you is easy
and accepting
hands in gloves
finger tips can't touch
feet crushing leaf
leaves turning red
you kissing me
trying to find a moment to sleep
while waking every hour or so
turning to nothing
and nothing turns back to me
it's time that's the enemy
not what you don't see
hand on bottom
over a cup of coffee
a heart in heart shape
a photo of her
is all I have somedays
and that is okay
it's patience they virtue
not what you go and grab
it's not what you want
and it sounds like a scam
either way is waiting
and that is okay

Friday, November 1, 2013

Astrud Gilberto & Stan Getz - The Girl From Ipanema


Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes
Each one she passes goes ah
When she walks, she's like a samba
That swings so cool and sways so gently
That when she passes
Each one she passes goes, ah

Oh but he watch her so sadly
How can he tell her he loves her
Yes he would give his heart gladly
But each day when she walks to the sea
She looks straight ahead not at him

Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes he smiles
But she doesn't see

Oh but he sees her so sadly
How can he tell her he loves her
Yes he would give his heart gladly
But each day when she walks to the sea
She looks straight ahead, not at him

Tall and tan and young and lovely
The girl from Ipanema goes walking
And when she passes he smiles
But she doesn't see, she just doesn't see
No she does not see, but she does not see
She does not see, no she does not see

Thursday, October 31, 2013

In A Glance Or A Touch

it's sometimes hard to find
the space in the back of your mind
that buzzes and explodes
that shifts from left to right
knowing what one knows
and denying what you don't
subduing and sleeping and snow
holding and staring in the eyes
as one as two as no surprise
will you listen and smile?
will a frighted word leave a mile?
rest your head with me
for as long as I want?
an age to never age
in a furied fist locked in a cage
it's a point that comes to a head
where you rest your head
make it with me and don't
let it scare you or make you
that fist meant to protect
is mine for your keeping
and to use against anyone
that would do you harm
kept forever in a pocket

and it's those words I know
that are kept on the edge of tongue
because I'm frightened but not
of the meaning but the receiving
and of standing somewhere alone
with those words frozen
about three inches off the tongue
with no response, or one I want
and it's looks that tell me
"you know what I mean
and you know how I feel
and you know what I can't say
the same way you can't say
because we are both worried
about the same things
and it's the words that
will make it special"
because we act out
all we would say anyway
but in case you missed it
in a glance or a touch
I love you very much

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Al Green - Love And Happiness

Love and happiness
Something that can, make you do wrong

Make you do right, love
Love and happiness


Wait a minute something's going wrong

Someone's on the phone

Three o'clock in the morning
Talkin' about, how she can make it right

Well, happiness is when

You really feel good, about somebody
Nothing wrong with being in love with someone
Oh baby, love and happiness

You be good to me
I'll be good to you
We'll be together
We'll see each other
Walk away with victory
Oh baby, love and happiness


Make you do right, love'll make you do wrong

Make you come home early

Make you stay out all night long

The power of love
Wait a minute, let me tell you, about the power

The power of love, power, power

Make you do right, love'll make you do wrong
Love and happiness


Make you want to dance, love and happiness

Love is, wait a minute

Love is, walkin' together, talkin' together

Say it again, say it together

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Breath Those Words

behind glassed or plasticized
blue eyes, it melts, there's fire in there
it's warming to me and mine
under those eyes it's no place
I'd rather be under - there
love - it's a fire not said
legs - under or over my head
curling lips around, love
it's not dirty die to time
it's not filthy side or mine
sharing it's pitiful moments
and those are treasure
sadness - embrace it all
up and down and in the middle
it's all - celebrate it all
and when I breath what I mean
I will never regret - forget
words leaving my mouth



Monday, October 14, 2013

Waking Up Without

leg shaking, toes curl
there is that lip
cheekbones on fingertip
it's a privilege, I know

it's deep in the eyes
deep inside
shoulder to shoulder
staring her equally

one hundred mile walk
from tip of toes
to hip in hands
it understands, I know

and it's night
I, waking up,
dumbfounded, lost
needing those arms

it's holding looks
locks and books
a woman, real
arms in a coat jacket

and it's morning
I, waking up,
need to remember
not one hundred miles away

Talking Heads - Girlfriend Is Better


I, who took the money?

Who took the money away?

It's always showtime

Here at the edge of the stage

I, I, I wake up and wonder

What was the place, what was the name?

We wanna wait but here we go again

I takes over slowly

But doesn't last very long

I, no need to worry

Everything's under control
O U T but no hard feelings

What do you know? Take you away

We're being taken for a ride again

I got a girlfriend that's better than that

She has the smoke in her eyes

She's commin' up, going right through my home

She's gonna give me surprise

I think it's right, better than this
I think you can if you like

I gotta a girlfriend with bows in her hair

Nothing is better than that, is it?

Down, down in the basement

We hear the sound of machines

I, I, I'm driving in circles

Come to my senses sometimes

Why, why, why, why start it over?

Nothing was lost, everything's free

I don't care how impossible it seems

Somebody calls you but you cannot hear

Get closer to be far away

Hey only one look and that's all that it takes

Maybe that's all that we need
All that it takes, I'll get it right

All it takes, all that it's right

I got a girlfriend that's better than that

And she goes wherever she likes there she goes

I got a girlfriend that's better than that

Now everyone's getting involved

She's moving up going right through my heart

We might not ever get caught

Going right through try to stay cool

Going through, staying cool

I got a girlfriend she's better than that

And nothing is better than you
Wait a minute


I got a girlfriend that's better than this

And you don't remember at all

As we get older and stop making sense

You won't find her waiting long

Stop making sense, stop making sense

Stop making sense, making sense

I got a girlfriend she's better than that

And nothing is better than this, is it?

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Take Me There

take me there
I will go
we fly or drive or imagine
we hold hands and
jump off the hill
take me there
I'm inside you
and will stay
where ever you are
whenever you want
take me there
I will go
I'm in your pocket
and follow your words
closely and intently
take me there
inside your mind
s'all just fine
share it with me
I enjoy that

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Wire - From The Nursery


So truly jolly, an Xmas dolly
I talk on request, I'm never depressed
I'll wink a good time till
someone pokes me one big blue eye out

So simply heady, a birthday teddy
Punches make me bleat, this bare soul is sweet
Keeping you warm at night till someone rubs me
Hey, a fun-filled toy
Free on a tightrope lives the animal soap

Safe, used, been tested, body molester
Amphibious charm, scum in several baths
Has blurred my features

Would you like to say
What that silence was meant to intend?
Would you like to see
What violence these eyes can send?
To your heart From the nursery

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Vindication

vindication
is such a strange emotion
it sits likes guilt
but soothes you
ones power of knowing
and ones patients grows
vindication
is a smiling fang
biting your left arm
it's got charm
but feels nothing
but it's good to be right

Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Damned - New Rose


I got a feeling inside of me
It's kind of strange like a stormy sea
I don't know why, I don't know why
I guess these things have got to be

I gotta new rose, I got it good

Guess I knew that I always would
I can't stop to mess around
I got a brand new rose in town

See the sun, see the sun it shines

Don't get too close or it'll burn your eyes
Don't you run away that way
You can come back another day

I never thought this could happen to me

This is strange why should it be
I don't deserve somebody this great
I'd better go or it'll be too late

I got a feeling inside of me

It's kind of strange like a stormy sea
I don't know why I don't know why
I guess these things have got to be

I got a new rose I got her good

Guess I knew that I always would
I can't stop to mess around
I got a brand new rose in town

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Masking As Men

how much do you sacrifice?
how much do you give?
sweat in seat running down your leg
all art seized, ceased in mind for
a union scorn against you
it's a fool's fool that drools
sucking at your feet
begging for more than
anyone ever deserved

how many arms do you give?
how many fingers are cut off?
how many more ears are sliced
and wrapped in a box
and given to you?
resigned and retired like Duchamp
playing chess for the rest of your life
give what you give and do a duty
a blind folded Stepford wife

how does happiness lie?
how does continuing conquer?
"selfless" is a concept made up by
selfish children masking as men
dressed smartly with a red pen
and nervous anger, jealous hate
invited to ones own parade
marching alone while dragging the lake
and falling on ones own face

Dead Kennedys - Macho Insecurity


Name one thing on earth lower than a tough guy
Who talks with his fists instead of using his head
Who beats the shit out of anything it can't understand
Behind the muscle mask is a scared little boy

called Macho insecurity

Macho insecurity
Macho insecurity
'Cause you can't stand
yourself

Got a bitch with me?

Why won't you say it to my face?
It's so easy to mouth off to others
But where's your proof?
Maybe we can talk if you'd just drop your act
Nothing's ever solved by making childish threats
That's Macho Insecurity
[chorus]


Why do you want people to be so afraid of you?

Why are you so scared of anything that's different?
No one's ever there when you need friends
You wonder why:
It's 'cause you take yourself so seriously
But being such a clown
Gives the rest of us the right to laugh
At your Macho Insecurity
'Cause you can't stand yourself

Monday, September 30, 2013

If There Are No Rules

you, if for no reason,
were meant to be
because no reason
is rule, if there are rules
everything in one
all has come to me
luck, if rule, I'm lucky
and deserving maybe
one to one in place
two of two embrace 
and your hands
on my face
and my face
in your lap

Saturday, September 28, 2013

A Kiss

look right in the eye
when you give a kiss
it's a disturbing sense
of split images
soft little lips
and nothing makes sense
but it's touching
and displays overtly
what feeling should be
crossed a lazy eye
a sudden Sunday surprise
strong arms like a mother
one leg over the other
pointed noses clash
freckled face at last
it's psychical communication
smoke signaled mind
just in time to be
in each others company

Friday, September 27, 2013

The Psychedelic Furs - The Ghost In You


A man in my shoes runs a light
And all the papers lied tonight
But falling over you
Is the news of the day
Angels fall like rain
And love, love is all of heaven away

Inside you the time moves and she don't fade
The ghost in you, she don't fade
Inside you the time moves and she don't fade

A race is on I'm on your side
And hearing you my engines die
I'm in a mood for you
For running away
Stars come down in you
And love, love, you can't give it away

Don't you go it makes no sense
When all your talking supermen
Just take away the time
And get in the way
Ain't it just like rain
And love only heaven away

Inside you the time moves and she don't fade
The ghost in you, she don't fade

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

You're Assassinated

say you're assassinated
it's a right track
liberally speaking
more drunk and lost
come on back afterwards
we cut off half your hair
they laughed
you fain despaired
come on back
assassinated for us
in sex, in dirty sex
yelling in English
who's next?
with half attacks
half on your back
and half not aware
what is your final wish?
social pricks
drink the liquor
drink the pissy liquor
before you blink an eye
you're assassinated

Monday, September 23, 2013

Rhyming Names

rhyming names
at once the same
total strangers in bed
want to know you
want to be you
want to feel no shame
it's feeling new
tall, thin and blue
gorgeous eyes open wide
separate the thighs
I'm inviting you
rhyming names
and vows unclaimed
in nights spent late
will you be me?
can you breath deep?
and name yourself after me?

St. Vincent - Surgeon


I spent the summer on my back
Another attack
Staying just to get along

Turn off the TV, wait in bed

Of blue and red
A little somethin' to get along


Best find a surgeon
Come cut me open

Dressing, undressing for a wall

If mother calls
She knows well we don't get along

I tell the mailman, "Never you mind,

I'll sift through the piles"
And for him to just get along

Best find a surgeon

Come cut me open

Friday, September 20, 2013

Gang Of Four - Damaged Goods


The change will do you good
I always knew it would
Sometimes I'm thinking that I love you
But I know it's only lust
Your kiss so sweet
Your sweat so sour

The sins of the flesh
Are simply sins of lust
Sweat's running down your back
Sweat's running down your neck

Heated couplings in the sun
(Or is that untrue?)
Colder couplings in the night
(Never saw your body)

Your kiss so sweet
Your sweat so sour
Sometimes I'm thinking that I love you
But I know it's only lust

The change will do you good
I always knew it would
You know the change will do you good

Damaged goods
Send them back
I can't work
I can't achieve
Send me back
Open the till
Give me the change
You said would do me good
Refund the cost
You said you're cheap but you're too much

Your kiss so sweet
Your sweat so sour
Sometimes I'm thinking that I love you
But I know it's only lust

The change will do you good
I always knew it would
You know the change will do you good
You know the change will do you good

I'm kissing you goodbye

(Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye)

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Red House Painters – Have You Forgotten


I can't let you be, cause your beauty won't allow me
Wrapped in white sheets,
Like an angel from a bedtime story
And shut out what they say,

'Cause your friends are fucked up anyway
And when they come around,
Somehow they feel up and you feel down.

When we were kids, we hated things our parents did
We listened low to Casey Kasem's radio show
That's when friends were nice,
To think of them just makes you feel nice

The smell of grass in spring
And October leaves cover everything.

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

I can't believe all the good things that you do for me
Sat back in a chair like a princess from a faraway place
Nobody's nice, when you're older your heart turns to ice
And shut out what they say;
They're too dumb to mean it anyway

When we were kids, we hated things our sisters did
Backyard summer pools and Christmases were beautiful
And the sentiment of colored mirrored ornaments
And the open drapes
Look out on frozen farmhouse landscapes

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

the bird and the bee - Again & Again


Again & again & again & again

Do it again, do it again, again & again

It's a shame, it's a shame, it's a perfect shame


Creep under my door & we do it again, oh

It's so easy & easy & easy & easy
& creepy & creepy & creepy & creepy, oh


Again, again, again
Again & again & again & again


Do it again, do it again


Say my name, say my name, say my stupid name


It's stupid how we always seem to do it again, oh, oh

It's so stupid & perfect & stupid & perfect

I hate you, I want you, I hate you, I hate you, oh
 


Again, again, again
Again & again & again & again


Do it again, do it again

Again & again & again & again

Monday, September 16, 2013

It's A Little Cold

imagining moments
tossed back like nothing
these mouths gained
it's a little cold
I've squinted again
and the moments memorized:
handed hands flowers
painted on eyes
the prettiest eyes
drawn on mouth
with smile crooked
waiting for it to crack


it's a little cold
and the wait is longer
but worth it
hopefully, indeed
and to me

Billy Bragg - Must I Paint You A Picture


It's bad timing and me
We find a lot of things out this way
And there's you
A little black cloud in a dress
The temptation
To take the precious things we have apart
To see how they work
Must be resisted for they never fit together again
If this is rain let it fall on me and drown me
If these are tears let them fall
 

Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel
You know my love for you is strong

You know my love for you is real

It took a short walk and a talk

To change the rules of engagement
While you searched frantically for reverse and them claiming
That virtue never tested is no virtue at all
And so I lost my ignorance
And now the bells across the river chime out your name
I look across to them again

All your friends said come down

It will never fly
And on that imperfect day
We threw it all away
Crisis after crisis, with such intensity
This would never happen if we lived by the sea

Most important decisions in life

Are made between two people in bed
I found that out at my expense
And when I see you
You just turn around and walk away like we never met
Oh we used to be so brave
I dreamt the world stopped turning as we climbed the hill
I dreamt impossible dreams that we were lovers still


Must I paint you a picture
About the way that I feel

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Ten Centuries - Ice Age


into the ice age
into the stone
into the dark age coming down
into the ice

you keep falling asleep
waking up inside
of a new and beautiful body
and soon you have no where left to hide

go into the ice age
into the stone again
into the dark age coming down
into the ice

I have been uncursed but not redeemed
still sitting, sitting still under water
and the names of the empires change, we change our names
silence of the sky, the big unending sky

we go into the ice age
into the stone again
into the dark age coming down
into the ice

into the ice age
into the stone
into the dark age coming down
into the ice

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Boring Old Yanking Girls

neighbor moon in yellow shoes
what a sight I've seen
or could have seen
boring old yanking girls
let's see something new
wake in goodnights
take in good fights
make it worth your while
do you even know
the eyes are on
they look through you
it's their evil descent
an evil laugh too
and she wants to touch you
but no one asks anymore
morning comes
and no blinks are made
in decent shade
the sun comes shinning through

Friday, September 13, 2013

Off Cooper Lining

will they find you hopeless on top of a car screaming?
they did find you naked and worrisome
lied to and shirt torn half off
it's a sad Chicago in the European Union this time
it's a sad Midwestern plain and floral designed
it's a party with skinnier girls than you
on cocaine with smug faces looking at god
will they find your cheating heart
buried in some pile of drugs left at a party
will they find bullets in your belt
one with the name of everyone you've known
scratched into it's silver, silver casing?
the off cooper lining of your cheating mind
in time and off on another train
more words are told to you
than you could possible ever sort through
which are untruths and which are true
but you are fireproof and rampaging
and probably want to leave your skin
I understand but never have been
where you are coming from myself

will they find a note left at your door?
that says "goodbye you fucking assholes"
"you've never meant shit to me"
what a sad and disturbing note to leave
even if you really didn't mean it to be
it's time to take the time to calm down a little
take time to breath and seethe and feel sorry for yourself
it's time to contemplate their actions
and reward the good with flowers and your time
it's time to embrace, to face the face
of those you thought you hold dear
you see, everyone will lie to you
but only some people deserve your fear
intentions are on scales
and motives are never post modern
thinking about failures only make you fail
it's a corporatizing of relationships
everyone still loves you
even if you don't love them too

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Deleter - Piss Popular

Deleter - Piss Popular from Deleter on Vimeo.


steal me
inside rosed and stuffed
put me in a brief case
I've been bad
white curtains blow
where did they go?
steal me
and put me in a raincoat

river bluff
inside suicide
the body: alive
the brain is dead
and records spin
where white curtains go
and walls go yellow
where did they go?

piss popular
and dirty fingers
grab and hold
grab and hold
grab and hold
where did they go?

steal me
and put me in a suit coat
they'd mouth my drugs
he'd seep through teeth
and lie to you
for your own sake
I'm still asleep
you're still awake

piss popular
and dirty fingers
grab and hold
grab and hold
grab and hold
where did they go?

Monday, September 9, 2013

Pernice Brothers - The Weakest Shade Of Blue


won't you come away with me
and begin something we can't understand
I'm as lonely as the Irish Sea
I'm as willing as the sand

could it be so wrong, so wrong?


won't you come unbury me

could you light me up like a lemon grove
I'll save you from this dreamy life
to the hardest love you could ever know

could it be so wrong, so wrong?


but don't cry baby,

please don't cry baby
I'll be tender til the day I die

this love I have for you is terrible and true

how this sheltered loveless life
fades into the weakest shade of blue

its ruinous and true

how this sheltered loveless life
fades into the weakest shade of blue

could it be so wrong, so wrong?


but don't cry baby,

please don't cry baby
I'll be tender til the day I die

this love I have for you is terrible and true

how this sheltered loveless life
fades into the weakest shade of blue

weakest shade of blue...

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Sometimes Art Makes You

working hard 
whisper no thoughts
it wasn't meant to
be thought
on making it work
give up easy
give up stress and pride
give up what's best to do
wrapped in mind
sometimes you make art
sometimes art makes you
what's a fool to do?
on second thought
make it work
easy enough
predict prevention 
an eye left open too
staring at a pillow
that's staring back at you
lay on the sidewalk 
arms and legs trenched
like trees and roots
like the Vitruvian Man
drawn out and quartered 
there's work to do
but you don't want to
give up 
give in
and forget you too

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams


Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat, drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering
What you had, and what you lost
And what you had, and what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
They say, women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me who wants to wrap around your dreams and
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell
Dreams of loneliness like a heartbeat, drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering
What you had, and what you lost
And what you had, oh what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
 

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
They say, women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know
You will know

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Minus The Bear - Absinthe Party At The Fly Honey Warehouse


Hey, let's cross the sea
And get some culture
Red wine with every meal
And absinthe after dinner
We'd look good side by side
Walking back to the hotel

We've got to get something

To eat and to drink, yeah
And find a place to stay
That's not far off the main way
We've got to plan our day
Rodin D'Orsay
And find a way to cram it all in
Before we drink again

Let's get a bottle and drink alone tonight


This light looks good on you

Morning came early
Sitting on a park bench
That's older than my country
Two star hotel
Near St. Germain
Two star hotel
Where the stars don't mean anything

Friday, September 6, 2013

Wire - Heartbeat


I feel old, I feel cold
I'm sublime, I'm sublime
And is there something there behind me?
Like a movie, like a movie?
I am mesmerized by my own beat
Like a heartbeat, like a heartbeat, like a heartbeat
I feel old, I feel cold
I am mesmerized by my own beat
Like a movie, like a movie
It's behind me, like a heartbeat
Like a movie, like a heartbeat
By a own beat, by a heartbeat
By a own beat, like a heartbeat
Like a heartbeat, like a heartbeat
It's in own beat, like a heartbeat

Like a heartbeat

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Stay Cold

collective cold 
shaking out a bed
stay cold darling 
stay still 
on breath frigid 
on dusk days
stay cold always
stay still 


Question Poem

ever wonder 
what songs are for you?
ever wonder where the wind goes
when it leaves your mouth?
I'm in better shape now 
and I'm asking you how
what's in a peer that
though doubt and fear
they do appear
to fake each other out
ever wonder which
seasons are best
to throw away your dress
that was made for one day?
the answer is clear
there is no good time,
my dear, to resist the past
you glance it one way
and wait for the day
it just leaves your memory
ever wonder why
eyes the color of sky
are rarely gray if not blue?
it's the hell fire there
a cold strangers stare
of some relative of you

Wilco - Either Way


Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will blow away
Maybe I won't feel so afraid
I will try to understand
Either way

Maybe you still love me

Maybe you don't
Either you will or you won't
Maybe you just need some time alone
I will try to understand
Everything has its plan
Either way
I'm gonna stay
Right for you

Maybe the sun will shine today

The clouds will roll away
Maybe I won't be so afraid
I will understand everything has its plan
Either way